


Inside I'm Bleeding

by NeverSatisfiedGirl (Kalli_Ravenne)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ADD/ADHD, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-22 00:24:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9573605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalli_Ravenne/pseuds/NeverSatisfiedGirl
Summary: No one talks about the impulsiveness, the forgetfulness, the frenzy of thoughts or the dysphoria when you fear you let down someone you love. Sam helps the reader after a bad night.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: some language, hurt/comfort
> 
> Challenge: This is for the wonderful @letsgetoutalive and her Mental Health Challenge. It’s also my submission for my Rocky Horror Challenge, my prompt being the song, “Super Heroes.”(Here’s hoping the tags work!)
> 
> A/N: Hello hello! I’m really happy that this challenge came to exist. The conversation about mental illness needs to continue, and what a great way to do it within our fandoms! I focused in on one that hits particularly close to home because it’s a disorder I live with. Adult ADD/ADHD is seen as something of a joke because the person is depicted as easily distracted by silly things. It goes so much deeper than that. No one talks about the impulsiveness, the forgetfulness, the frenzy of thoughts or the dysphoria when you fear you let down someone you love. This may only scratch the surface, but I hope that it encourages you to learn more about it, whether it’s for you or someone you care about that has the disorder. Thank you for reading.

“Sam… please, just leave me alone. Please?”

Sam Winchester knew how it felt to be helpless. He hated it even more so now than ever.

He’d never heard her sound so defeated before. Her voice, usually full of energy and passion, was hoarse and choked with anguish.  
  
Sam wanted more than anything to just barge in and… _what_? Tell her he understands what she’s dealing with? That she wasn’t crazy? That no one actually hates her and she doesn’t have to shoulder this burden alone?  
  
Well, yes. That’s exactly what he should do. It's what anyone who cares deeply for anyone would do.  
  
Except for the part where she’s not supposed to know that he read her doctor’s notes and knows about her condition.

It's not as though he meant to. She left them behind when she bounced off to the bathroom. It was during a conversation they were having in the MoL library about Yoruban religion and folklore. Not for a case or anything - Sam just really enjoyed their conversations. 

The bold print on the page caught his attention.

> **“...history of Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder…”**
> 
> **“...feelings of displacement, not belonging…”**
> 
> **“...suicidal ideation…”**
> 
> **“...rejection-sensitive dysphoria…”**

The last two raised a couple of red flags. Yeah, she could be a little scattered, as if her brain went faster than the rest of her body could keep up with. But she also had a talent for unraveling the more complex issues in many of their recent cases. 

She was something special. But it came with a high price, it seemed.

So would Sam's concealment of his accidental knowledge if she found out he knew.

But after tonight's events, he didn't have a choice. He stayed outside of her door, recalling the research he did in order to formulate a careful response.

“You don't have to talk about what happened tonight if you don't want to. It's okay if you don't, I promise. But if you want, you can tell me what's going through your head right now. I won't talk or judge you - I'll just listen,” Sam offered. “Please...no one is mad at you. We only want to help, in whatever way you need us to.”

The silence that he received wasn't unwelcome. At least she hadn't turned him away. 

Then he heard a sniffle, a mild cough, and a little movement on her side. The next time she spoke, she was on the other side of the door. Slowly, grudgingly, she said: 

“I'm not worth it, Sam. All this worry, the stress I put you guys through... I'm not worth any of it.” 

God, how he wanted to interrupt at that point, but he continued to listen.

“You read the doctor's notes I left on the table the other day.”

_Fuck._

“It's OK that you did. You're curious, like me. If someone I cared about was acting weird, I'd wanna know too.”

He released a breath he didn't even know he'd been holding.

“But Sam, you gotta understand: I didn't want to be seen as some helpless liability. I don't want special treatment. I'd rather have the truth upfront so I can deal with it in my own way. The sidestepping, the eggshells…I can't stand that shit. I got enough of that growing up. 

“The, um, therapist...The therapist I went to see prescribed new meds to help with the dysphoria. That's actually the worst part of all this. I could give a shit about what some asshole on the street thinks about me. But... I can't, um... can't take it when, uh… look, you guys are important to me. You mean, um, more to me than I thought you would. I tried staying detached for so long because I knew this might happen. But when I blew up at Dean tonight, I just… What he said was totally innocent, but it felt like getting stabbed in the chest and I'm bleeding on the inside. I went from zero to 'why does he hate me’ in five seconds, and I... I hate myself for this.”

He could hear the cracking in her voice again.

“I'm sorry...I'm sorry I'm not normal. And I'm sorry you had to come up and listen to my whiny, bitchy ass. I'm sorry that I'm this wreck of a person that you're saddled with. I'll be out of your hair soon. I'll leave tomorrow.”

Sam shook his head as he looked at the door. Leave? She didn't need to go. He didn't want her to go. “Open the door, sweetheart. Please.”

Seconds passed, feeling like an eternity drifting by. Then the door knob turned, unlatching the lock, and the door slowly opened. She wasn't looking him in the eyes, but Sam saw the traces of tears on her cheeks, the slump in her shoulders. It was heartbreaking to see this brave, intelligent girl in so much pain.

Though she was nearly the same weight as Sam was, it didn't seem to matter. He scooped her up into his arms, carrying her to her bed where he sat and held her close while she cried. He kissed her forehead and spoke softly to her, while she wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “You're not going anywhere. Not now, or tomorrow, or anytime soon. Dean and I, we just want to know that you're safe. We care about what happens to you. You're part of our family, and we protect our own. Whatever is happening in your head, we'll figure it out together. You're not alone.”

The tears came even harder at that, but he never relented on his gentle affirmations. That she was enough. That she was worthy. That she was loved. That he loved her.

Her cries eventually subsided. Exhaustion clouded her mind quickly, and she began to drift off to sleep. Sam saw that and carefully stood up to place her carefully in bed. He pulled the covers to her shoulder, stroked her hair and kissed her cheek. 

As he turned out the light and closed the door to her room, he stopped for a moment. 

_He told he that he loved her._

He scoffed, a small smile on his lips. It wasn't a lie. She was going to find out eventually anyway. 

They would talk about it in the morning.


End file.
